Pain, Love and Forgiveness

I wake up. I think I’m dead. The last thing I remember was looking at the message he sent me at my phone. But, I don’t remember anything about the message, I just remember when I read it my heart beat fast, my blood running through my neck and pain strike my head. Then my eyes started to hurt and tears came down. And then… I saw a very bright light in front of me, almost made me blind and the next thing I know, I woke up here in a colorful room full of cotton candy and lollipops hanging down from the ceiling and wall.

I walk around the room with strange feeling.
“Is this heaven?” I whisper.
“Well, it could be.” someone answer my question. I’m looking back and there’s a man my age, sitting at a classic bench. I don’t know why I didn’t notice him, but I’m pretty sure there’s no bench there before.

“Who are you? And where do you came from?”
“I am you.”
“Where is this? Am I dead?”
“Technically yes, you’re dead. But… it can be compromised.. Yeah, don’t think about it. Let’s take a walk!” He get up from the bench and grab my shoulder. We are walking through that room. What I notice next is, this room is a very long room you cannot see the end. And we keep walking. The strange man beside me humming a song.
“What song is that? It’s familiar.”
“I don’t know. It’s just very catchy.” And sometimes he jump and make some kind of weird dance like from the 80’s. He grab some cotton candy and eat it.
“Hey, grab some! Its delicious!” He offers me and I try a bit.

Magically, the second it touch my lips, I feel very very happy. And next we both already dancing around, and humming the same song. It is an incredible feeling.

Suddenly, I remember about the message in my phone. And I stop dancing.
“Why are you stopping?”
“What did he say? What did he text that make me feel so much pain?”

The strange man stop dancing. And make a pout.
“You really wanna know?”
“You know what he said?”
“Of course I do. I am you.”
“What? I don’t understand.”
“I am you.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes I am.”
“No, you’re a.. man!”
“Well, actually I could be man or woman. I’m just a projection, you project me as a man, so, here I am.”
“I still don’t get it! And how do you know what he said to me and I don’t remember it at all? And what kind of place is this? and what happened with me and why am I here?”

“Okay, let’s sit and I’ll try to explain all of this to you.”
We sit in a bench that I’m pretty sure its not there before.
“Where do we start?”
“What is this place and why I am here?.”
“Okay. This is nowhere and you’re technically not here… Okay okay, I’ll try to make it sense. You had an accident, a car accident, and you’re in between.”
“In between?”
“Yeah, in medical language is you’re in a coma, but I would like to say in between. It’s more cool.”
“So I’m in a coma?”
“Yes, you are.”
“… And how did that accident happened? What made the car crashed?”
“You remember you got a text?”
“Yeah, from my boyfriend. But I don’t know what it is about. Everytime I try to remember I feel strange, like I wanna puke.”
“You really wanna know?”
“Yes.” The strange man take a breath and make a really serious face he never shown before.
“The consequence of knowing the truth is pain. And this pain could be there forever.. You ready?”
“Wait! How painful it is?”
“Oh you bet, this is the pain that made some young girl like you didn’t wanna live. The worst pain of all. The pain of guilt. And one thing you should know, when I tell you the truth, this place will be gone, I will be gone, because this place itself can’t stand to a pain like that.”

I look around. This is a beautiful place. Looking only at anything turn your heart warm. This is a perfect place to live forever. But this unknown feeling make me feel funny. I feel like I forget something, missing something really important. And I can’t help cannot remember it.

“Okay. I’m ready. Tell me the truth.” The strange man smile at me and hold my hand.

I wake up. I think I’m alive. I’m in a room. A white room. A hospital room. There’s a song played, me and my boyfriend’s favorite song. My eyes feel so heavy, and I’m starting to feel pain all over my body. There’s a man sitting beside me, holding my hand with his face lying on the side of my bed, he must be fell asleep.

At that second I remember everything. Everything about the text, about the crash, about the truth.

He texted me ‘I love you’.

I read it on my way home, my way to our apartment when I just got back from someone else’s house. I just cheated with a guy I met on an photo exhibition. He’s one of the photographer. Out of my control, tears coming from my eyes.

“Are you awake? Oh, thank God you’re awake!!” He’s awakened with his surprise face checking me and calling out doctor.

The guilty feeling come right away. I feel so guilty that it hurts so much. I hate myself. I feel sick and angry of myself. Then tears come down through my cheeks like a fountain.

“I.. I.. was cheating on you.” I said it between my tears. He stare at me with his glassy tired eyes, holding my hand.

He take a deep breath. Then he say the most beautiful and painful words in my life.

“I know, I forgive you. If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best possible. Then I will either wait for you or forget you. Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering… And I already know what to do. To wait for you.”

The doctor come into the room, checking my heart, picking up my hand and checking my pulse.
“Hey, what’s written in your hand?” The doctor pointing at the palm of my hand.

I look at my hand and there written ‘Second chance. Make it worth’ and slights of pink cotton candy between my fingers.

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